I’ve been wondering who am i actually for so long that it kills me softly.. I needed to spill some of my feelings out tonight.. I was dying to release it out.. somewhere.. or some ways but things aren’t going according to my ways.. I don’t enjoy working anymore but I’m just going to work for the sake of promises and responsibilites… Everytime when i’m at work.. i always ask myself.. what am i doing here?? Why dont I quit?????? So many times per day.. I am really demotivated.. feel my life really aimless… I don’t know what do I want.. and… most ironically.. who am I???
Since young from now.. everyone views me as being naive.. tame.. easy to bully type of person.. easy to be influenced and believing others easily… especially from my parents.. and yeah, mostly they said that I was a very cheerful and jovial girl, happy go lucky like life’s juz so simple that type.. friendly… very generious, helpful.. kind… i’m not self proclaiming or self praising but these are what they perceived me… but now.. as I grow..more and more thoughts generate inside of me.. i’m very unhappy.. life is like without direction.. boring.. and as I look around… i realized that.. no one could really understand me.. i’m too ego to show what’s deep inside of me – emptiness and depression.. but right now, right then.. i dont care anymore.. i’m weak.. i admit. 
Recently, there are so many comments about me.. being too serious.. aggressive.. or even scary.. don’t dare or scare to even talk to me… sighz.. it really contradicted with what I knew all along about myself.. kind and easy to get along with naive.. etc etc….. too independent.. defensive and protects myself very much.. are also the elements of what my friends view me now.. am i thinking too much or what?? I know i’m going thru the phrase of self-reflection and realization.. which is very pathetic to me.. i dont want to be too independent.. i dont wish to protect myself.. i dont wish to stand for myself anymore.. i’m very tired.. i really wanna tell everyone that….. many things i have kept deep within me.. the thing here is driving me bananas… especially guys… not only one, nt two.. nt three but God knows how many of them told me.. i’m too smart.. knows alot of things and even made them feel dumb abt themselves and feel challenged by me.. pressured to talk to me.. whoa… i really wonder.. when has this started?? Since when I take things so seriously??? Since when I think so much??
Maybe with all these.. i really wanna thank my ex… for always challenging me to stand up for my rights… protect myself.. until I indirectly and unconciously implanted it into my life and personalities… aggressive and independent.. maybe its in me.. since my mum is also that type of person… blame the genes >.< but i’m juz a girl… some circumstances force me to be independent and aggressive.. and stand up… or maybe i should just shake off my egoism and stop doing what others want me to do? Or how they think of me??? I’m really down and tired.. thinking all these.. burdening me alot.. i cant really sleep at night because I DONT LIKE MY LIFESTYLE AND I’M DESPERATE TO CHANGE IT!! …. im really thinking of getting out to another country and start a new life.. i dont like being in kl.. too competitive and have to be super independent… to gain trust from parents.. but I DONT WANT TO… i just dont want to… coz when i’m too independent.. no one would care of how i feel anymore .. they would think that i’m perfectly alright… i’m okie… have you ever heard of… the stronger the person is.. the weaker the person is too… indeed its very true..
Things are revolving too fast around me.. i cant catch my breath pushing myself to live with it.. i just want my own space and realm.. do the things i like to do without caring wht others would think of me… friends are concerned about me.. keep asking me not to think too much.. said i’m will be in trouble if i think more.. but how to STOP this?? Teach me please.. WHO AM I?? WHO I AM???
Someone please tell me………… please…….
